have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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