I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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