Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
