fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
my poor anus
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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