We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
