If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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