btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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