she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
