I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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