she woke up with a sticky ear
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
