I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
