I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
