When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Everyone says I win the strip club
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
