Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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