The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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