i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
