All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
