i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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