I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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