I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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