um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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