Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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