Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
