can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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