So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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