you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
