i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
