What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
