I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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