I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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