...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
