i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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