Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
