there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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