Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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