I can text with my tongue
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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