How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
