Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
