tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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