apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
