If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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