You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
