I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
