I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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