im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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