I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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