ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
