DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
FUCK WHALES
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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