Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
3pm strippers are depressing
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
