The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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